just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
