How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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