but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
