I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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