like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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