dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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