just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
