We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
