So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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