so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
