just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
