3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize