On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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