just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
