He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
