My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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