see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He shit in the fireplace
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
