we have pet lesbian snakes
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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