I hate your face
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We're using joints as your birthday candles
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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