You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
