so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
