Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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