I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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