Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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