we have pet lesbian snakes
everyone is single if you try hard enough
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
