He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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