as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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