I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
