im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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