I'm going to jail i love you
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
