After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm like, not good at living.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
