Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
