so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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