Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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