I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
