hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
They are going to name an STD after you.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
