worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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