just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
