I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize