Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
