you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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