I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
