When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
