my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
