First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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