yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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