i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize