i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
