I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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