Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
