I want to walk on stilts...naked
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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