Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
