I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
