it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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