you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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