The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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