i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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