I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
