I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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