im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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