Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
