We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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