How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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